Project: C A L A M I T Y
by The . L O S T . Paperclip
Summary: A humorous collection of crack-filled oneshots and drabbles; each chapter inspired by a completely random title given by... absolutely anyone and anything, including random title generators. All characters, all situations, all completely random. Enjoy.
1. Singing Age Gate

**Project: C A L A M I T Y**

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**.:Singing Age Gate :.**

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"You cannot pass~"

"_You can-not paaaaass~_"

The harmony of disembodied voices was originating from . . . an open door.

Not whatever was _inside _the door. The_door_ was singing at him.

Itachi blinked once. Twice.

He tried to step through again, like an insect attempting to fly through a glass window.

As expected, blast of air and sound repelled him once again.

"You moronic teeeeen

It can be seeeeen  
That you're much too ooooooold  
To cross this threshooooooold~"

Ah. Itachi stepped back and narrowed his eyes at the offending door. That made some twisted sort of sense, disturbing as it was. Orochimaru would not allow a powerful enemy such as Itachi himself to enter his domain so easily. Power comes with experience, and experience comes with age. An evil genius such as Orochimaru would have known that, and set up this . . . singing door . . . in order to deter enemies with _experience_.

(In actual fact, Itachi was trying to dissuade himself from the notion that Orochimaru could very simply be a paedophile – for the sake of his sanity, Itachi hoped fervently that Sasuke was being trained in _ninja arts_ and nothing . . . else.)

Itachi sighed as the door kept singing at him. He would find another way into Orochimaru's hideout in order to check on Sasuke.

Frankly, though he was loath to admit it, this door creeped the shit out of him.

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**_# Author's Note:_**_ This is what would happen if random generators ruled the universe of Fanfiction - or at least the collective hive-mind of its authors and lurkers. Complete crack that won't make any sense at all. Each chapter title is randomly generated by an "Anime Title Generator" on the site Seventh Sanctum dot com, and I then proceed to spew the first thing that comes to mind onto the keyboard, which is automatically sorted into legible writing by tiny space aliens that live in my fingernails. So . . . Yeah. Absolutely nothing is guaranteed, but the consistency of being inconsistent. And oxymoronic. Enjoy. :D_


	2. Sun Climber Divers

**Project: C A L A M I T _Y_**

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**.:Sun Climber Divers:.**

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"I don't think I want to play this game any more."

Naruto had thought up a new game.

"Don't chicken out _now_ Chouji, we're just getting started! This is gonna be awesome!"

When the simple act of talking to the hyperactive blonde would be classified somewhere between extreme sports and doing hallucinogenic drugs, actually _doing_ something he had _thought up_ would generally be somewhere along the lines of exploding, puking and dying in the process of taking a flying leap off a cliff hand-in-hand with your suicidal sanity.

And Chouji was _very _aware of his impending doom as they stood atop the Hokage Monument, as everybody got ready to . . . well, do almost exactly that.

Naruto beamed at those he had managed to bring – which was to say, his entire year group and then some. Sasuke glared back. "This is a stupid game."

"Bastard-" Naruto began, but he was cut off.

Lee decided to save everyone from another provocative scuffle by saying, "Do not worry, Naruto! I will go first and show him how youthful a game this really is! AND SAKURA, IF I LOSE THIS GAME THEN YOU WILL NEVER LOVE ME!"

Naruto blinked in shock.

You see, Naruto wasn't _serious_ about this game. It wasn't really a game at all. It was a joke. Dive off the Hokage Monument and into a tiny pool he had filled with jelly at the bottom! Anyone in their right minds would know it was suicide . . .

"THIS IS FOR YOU SAKURAAAAAA!"

Lee dived off the mountain and into the sunset before anyone could stop him.

His body was never found.

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**_# Author's Note:_**_ I told you that nothing was guaranteed. I warned you. I warn-didly-doodly-arned ya. I pull these prompted logs of insanity out of my rear to overcome writer's block, so they can become anything in the vein of random and crackish. In my personal opinion, of the eleven I have written, they get better! And if you didn't find this one funny, then don't worry because neither did I. But still . . . don't forget to review! It's just one click away. You know you want to._


	3. Peach Psycho Queens

**Project: C A L A M I T Y**

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**.:Peach Psycho Queens:.**

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Akatsuki had few rules when it came to how they worked. They needed the entire shinobi world to cower at the sound of their very names; for this they needed money; to get money they needed jobs. It was as simple as that. No rules.

Well, they _thought_ there were no rules, until they broke what was arguably the most important rule in the history of Akatsuki. This subsequently led them to create and break _another_ important rule . . . but the second one wasn't their fault. It was most definitely Pain's.

But the first one . . .

You know what? Here are the rules, the breaking of said rules, and the punishment for the breaking of said rules.

Rule #1 – Never give Pain alcohol. _Ever_.

Why?

Because Pain is in charge of handing out missions. And he's a lightweight, of the Rock Lee severity.

As such, breaking this rule is punishable by death. The vote was unanimous because Tobi didn't count.

They were required to enter the Princess Peach Beauty Pagent and win the prize money.

This led to the creation of Rule #2 – Under absolutely no circumstances should the male members of Akatsuki wear dresses and/or bikinis.

No matter how good they looked in them.

Deidara, despite being the girly-man he is, severely overdid the make-up and couldn't walk in heels without setting things on fire. Tobi had fun, but he overdid the "princess" thing. And Kisame . . . Well, suffice to say, most of the audience wanted a lobotomy after witnessing the bikini section.

But at least Itachi and Konan looked good.

Thus they concocted Rule #3 – What happens in the Princess Peach Beauty Pagent, stays in the Princess Peach Beauty Pagent.

The breaking of any of the Three Golden Rules was punishable by death, and it was agreed that when they found the culprit – the one that gave Pain alcohol in the first place – they would murder him in the worst way possible.

When they found out it was Hidan, they agreed to throw him in a pit of flaming homosexual hippos as a compromise.

For once, Tobi's idea of torture was actually _torturous_.

Hidan would never touch alcohol again.

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**_# Author's Note_****:**_ Yes. Well. I rather liked this one, if I do say so myself. But trust me, they get worse. By which I mean better. By which I mean random as hell. Don't forget to leave a lovely little review! They're like bear scat in some ways. Tells you where the reader has been, what they've been eating, and you never want to step in one. Wait . . . Scratch that. Reviews are nothing like bear scat. But nevertheless, don't underestimate the uplifting power of a few good-natured words! You'll make this author a very happy spiderpig._ :D


	4. Corrector Child

**Project: C A L A M I T Y**

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**.:Corrector Child:.**

-x-**  
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Shikaku and Yoshino forced grins onto their faces as they looked at their son.

Shikamaru stared at them, waiting.

"Shikamaru," Yoshino began, "Me and your dad-"

"Your dad and _I_," the child corrected quickly.

Yoshino's eye twitched. "_Your dad and I_ are going to go to the shops-"

"Store," Shikamaru said.

Shikaku cleared his throat. "Now, son, that isn't necessary. You can use either-"

"Not _I_; _Mom_ can use either. I'm not the one that said it wrong."

"-_Your mother_ can use either term. Their both valid."

"They're."

"What?"

"They're. You said _their_, it's meant to be _they're_. The apostrophe means-"

"I know what the damn apostrophe means! But- how did you . . ." Shikaku trailed off.

Shikamaru watched his parents, waiting expectantly.

Yoshino broke the silence, ready to brave her son's annoying corrections. "We're going Christmas shopping, son. Would you like us to give your wishlist to Santa while we're there?"

Shikaku waited to be lectured on the questionable existence of Santa Clause.

But instead a piece of paper was shoved in his face.

"You'll notice I listed them in order of preference from one to thirty-two, and . . . and I . . . expect . . ."

Shikamaru fell asleep.

Yoshino held the chloroform-soaked rag away from her son's face, a bewildered expression on her face. She dropped the bottle as her son hit the floor and began snoring.

Shikaku patted his wife on the back. "You did the right thing," he consoled. "He'll wake up soon. Don't worry, he's going to be just fine. But then again, chloroform _does_ forcibly induce a coma . . . he could just as easily have pertained severe brain damage . . ."

Young Shikamaru was never the same pedantic perfectionist child again. The chloroform must have gotten to his brain.

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**_# Author's Note:_**_ No reviews still? I'm hurt, people. I spent about sixteen collective minutes of my life on this story/piece-of-illegible-crud! Please tell me what you think? I'll give you a virtual cookie~_


	5. Super Dimensional Teinosuke

**Project: C A L A M I T Y**

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**.:Super-Dimensional Teinosuke:.**

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Sasuke had gone ahead with the "rebuilding the Clan" idea.

Or, he had attempted to.

Unfortunately, his first "chosen wife" must have had her own special bloodline that she had hidden from him. Either that or Sasuke had lazy and/or mutated sperm. But he refused to believe that.

Whatever the case, his first son had come out . . . wrong.

The wife had died during childbirth, leaving Sasuke no choice but to take responsibility of his child – who he had previously planned to abandon in order to procreate some more. And by "take responsibility" I mean "leave his son on the doorstep of some orphanage, get caught abandoning his child, get arrested twice for sexual assault, go to court, and _then_ get landed with taking care of his son all by himself."

By the time all of this was over, Teinosuke was two years old and running around like a bat out of hell on a caffeine high with its ass on fire.

That was normal for a shinobi toddler, though. The problem was that his son had some strange warping power. He was playing safely in a pile of sharp twigs one moment, and peeing from the roof the next.

When Sasuke tried to feed little Teinosuke, the child would shoot laser beams out of his eyes in refusal.

When Sasuke attempted to potty train him, he would warp onto the back of his father's neck and do his business there.

And when Teinosuke learned to talk, he tended to vacuum objects around him into another dimension in his oesophagus.

When Teinosuke was four, Sasuke was killed by Konoha's ANBU because Teinosuke warped them both into the middle of the Hokage Tower during a meeting. Teinosuke was adopted and raised as a Konoha shinobi on the Hokage's orders.

He was raised by Maito Gai.

And so, as he grew older, Teinosuke became Super-Dimensional Laser-Shooting Neck-Shitting Green Beast Man of YOUTH!

No one liked him that much.

The citizens of Konoha blamed the Hokage for making the child live with Maito Gai. They thought she had made a grievous mistake. She lost a lot of respect in that period of time.

. . . But Sakura was content. By making his son into a do-good moron, she had finally gotten _some_ form of revenge on Sasuke for being an ass and trying to destroy the world.

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**_# Author's Note:_**_ Okay, nobody kill me for making Sakura the Hokage (though, with about one half-assed reader, if that, I think the cnances of complaint are very low). Seriously, I just put in the first person that came to mind who would hate Sasuke. Who knows? Maybe Sakura got the position via sexual favours. Anyway, I admit that these aren't that good, but someone else has to find them funny as well as myself! Maybe my sense of humor is just too abstract for the ordinary populace . . . Oh well. Review?_


	6. Hades Mutant Healers

**Project: C A L A M I T Y**

**_#Author's Note:_** _Admittedly, I only updated this out of boredom because no one reads it. I thought they were at least a little bit funny. And they're already written, so why the hell not?_

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**Hades Mutant Healers**

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**

A disease was spreading throughout the shinobi world that caused jaws to unhinge, hair to fall out, and tentacles to sprout from people's eyes.

No one liked it that much.

What was worse, it seemed to spread mostly in hospitals. Many assumed quite logically that it was because the disease was highly infectious and it was being concentrated in medical centres, what with of all the infected seeking treatment . . .

But they were wrong.

Only the the insane geniuses and the complete morons could have come anywhere close to the truth before it was too late.

Madara just so happened to be both.

As he sat in his dark, porous lair of evil, Madara argued over the origins of the disease with his alternate personality, Tobi.

Madara believed it was something about the preservatives in health bars that caused the body's cells to mutate.

Tobi believed it was the evil god Hades.

Somehow, they came to the conclusion that Hades created health bars and brainwashed the medics in all the hospitals to give them to their patients, thus creating his own mutant army. The medics were infected as well, but they were granted special powers – they could use their saliva to liquefy the bodies of the uninfected and then consume their innards like a giant, tentacle-eyed spider.

They were frightfully correct.

Tobi and Madara also knew the cure – it was as simple as curing cancer. Which is to say, kill them all until the disease is gone.

It could work. It could most definitely work.

Hades was the root of the problem, but they couldn't defeat a god. However, they could quite easily do the next-best thing and defeat his minions – the Medics.

Madara could save the world.

But he won't.

Because Madara is a prick like that.

Somewhere out there, Tsunade was consuming the liquefied remains of Neji's intestines.


	7. Bad Child First

**Project: C A L A M I T Y**

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**.:Bad Child First:.**

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In an alternate reality, Itachi failed.

"Niisan, what are you doing to Shisui-nii?"

Itachi choked on his own saliva as he heard his naïve little brother's voice sail through the air and slap him upside the head. Terror, followed swiftly by shame. Like the feeling of one of those prank guns that shoot a little sign that says _'bang'_ instead of a bullet.

Itachi tried to act cool. He turned around and leaned on Shisui's back coolly, keeping his best friend's head underwater.

Shisui spluttered and managed to take a breath before going under again.

"I'm just getting some fresh air," Itachi told Sasuke.

Sasuke eyed Shisui suspiciously. "But Shisui-nii is turning blue."

Shisui lifted his head above water and screamed, but Itachi shoved it back under with force.

"We're- playing- a game," Itachi grunted, trying to drown Shisui a little more subtly.

Sasuke's eyes welled up with tears. "You never play games with me, niisan," he whined. "You're so mean!"

"Sasuke, please – stop being immature. Shisui is my best friend."

Obviously that was the wrong thing to say. Sasuke began crying, the jealous little prick.

Itachi sensed what was coming. He abandoned his efforts to drown his friend and appeared next to his brother, clapping a hand over Sasuke's mouth before the child could call for their parents.

Shisui gasped for breath and began swearing as he surfaced.

Itachi did the first thing that came to mind.

He threw Sasuke at Shisui.

What? He was getting panicky by now. It seemed like a good idea at the time; getting rid of both problems at once. But Sasuke began screaming as soon as Itachi's hand left his mouth.

Fugaku, their father and Head of the clan, was the one that came running.

Itachi thought as quickly as he could – which was pretty damn quick. He did the first thing that came to mind again – which by now he should have known was a bad idea – when Fugaku began giving Itachi an accusatory glare.

"Sasuke tried to drown us."

Fugaku frowned and glanced from Shisiu to Sasuke, who were both soaked, and back to Itachi.

Itachi nodded seriously.

Fugaku hesitated, then nodded back.

Fugaku knew Itachi was going to murder the clan. Itachi knew Fugaku was going to overthrow the Hokage. So they had two choices.

Father and son could fight to the death; winner takes all . . .

. . . Or they could blame it on Sasuke.

In the end, there really wasn't a decision to be made.

Thus, there was no Massacre, no Coup, and no Sasuke.

All was well with the world.

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**_# Author's Note:_**_ Yeeeah, I got nothin' witty to say. Review please? :D_


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